When Does Casual Contact Turn Into Love?

CHAPTER SIX: When Long Distance Love Becomes Serious

Long distance relationships share the same dilemmas as the usual relationships. You are talking every day, confessing intimate details and seem very close. However the only thing that hasn't been discussed is the status of the relationship.

This is particularly difficult with long distance relationships, as it is really hard to have that "face to face" talk. Somehow seeing your beloved's face on a web cam is just not the same as holding their hand, looking deep into his or her eyes and asking "So, where are we going with this?"

So the question becomes "How many days, weeks or even months on end do you chat with someone before you have that big talk about where the two of you stand." There really does not seem to be one good answer to this question as dating and relationship experts really vary in their answers to this one. Some suggest that you are a couple after the first "I love you." Others suggest that it is after he or she asks you to get to know his or her family. It is also somehow traditional, at least in ‘ordinary’ relationships, that you can assume you are a couple after about three months of dating.

However, those are just assumptions. If you are uncertain where you stand in a long distance relationship your best course of action, always, is to just ask. Uncertainty often plagues a long distance romance at the best of times, so it is very important to keep it as honest as possible by expressing your feelings in an honest and courageous way.

Even in ordinary relationships people seem to fall into a kind of "spell" when they first fall in love. They tend to put off the big "Are you in love with me?" question as long as they can for fear they will get an answer that they don't want to hear. Also many people subscribe to a sort of superstition about love: "once you name it, love starts to go downhill." Realize that your long distance lover might be indulging in exactly this kind of procrastination in order to keep his or her dream or fantasy that you are the perfect one alive.

Women especially can find themselves in some pretty awkward emotional positions if the boundaries or purpose of a long distance relationship is not established early. A good example is the woman that talks every day to a man and mistakes his intimacy and trust with her for love. However, what she really turns out to be is a kind of best friend and therapist. As she is assuming they are together she is horribly shocked when the man thanks her for healing him and tells her that she gave him the courage to go forward with a relationship with a woman he just met.

Both women and men can also fall danger to the "being put on the back burner" syndrome. This happens when you make yourself too readily available in a relationship where feelings have not been appropriately defined. A good example of this is the individual who tells her friends that she has an online boyfriend and then is horrified when she finds out that he has been dating other people all along. It then becomes clear that she has been kept on the back burner as the "sure thing" in case the other person's relationships back fire.

If the two of you are getting thick as thieves it is essential that you discuss your level of commitment to each other while you are at a distance. This type of commitment is only as strong as your ability to express yourself and your communication skills. It is a lack of communication that ultimately taints a relationship with suspicion, confusion and mistrust.

The discussion that you have about commitment should revolve around whether or not the two of you are going to spend the rest of your life together. At least one of you should be expressing a desire to move and give up things to be with the other. Without this type of promise, you still, in essence have a casual long distance relationship rather than a real love.

Also it is imperative that this decision to be exclusive to each other is mutual. As so much can be misunderstood by chatting on an instant messenger I highly recommend that you have this type of discussion over the phone.

Once you have agreed to be together then it is up to you to be as attentive as possible to your partner. No matter what you have promised each other, it is Mother Nature's way for your lover to practice "out of sight, out of mind." Don't take your newfound relationship for granted by leaving your lover memos on the Yahoo rather than having full-fledged conversations. A love commitment is also a commitment to share your life together. Make online "dates" with your partner.

Also remember to keep your exchanges as sexy and exciting as the first day you met. If you use a web cam, make an effort to appear as attractive as possible. This means no housecoats and hair curlers or three day stubble. Remember that the last impression that your lover sees of you on the web cam is the only impression that they will carry with them for the rest of the day.

Maintain your relationship but following conventional relationship wisdom. Don't fill your partner's day with complaints or leave sarcasm or negative comments on the Yahoo. Remember that long distance partners feel very powerless to help you if you are in a bad mood because they are so far away. Keep a sense of humor and realize that every now and then your partner may need some space from you in order to manage life in general. Just because you have decided that the two of you are together doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip!