How Do You Know When You Are In Love?

"How can I know when I'm really in love?" asked Ruby, a
client of mine. "How can I know if what I feel for Jim is
really love or just infatuation? How can I know if this
feeling will last?"

Ruby and Jim had been dating for 11 months and were
considering marriage. Ruby, 32, felt "head over heels" in
love with Jim, but she had felt head over heels in love with
Adam, as well as with Mark.

"That feeling didn't last with Adam or Mark. How do I know
it will last with Jim? How can you tell when it's the real
thing?"

"Ruby," I told her, "the answer to this important question
depends upon which part of you feels `in love' and which
part of Jim you are `in love' with."

I explained to Ruby that she can be in love from her ego, or
as we call it in the Inner Bonding process we teach, her
wounded self. Or, she can be in love from her true Self or
core Self - her essence, her soul Self. If she is in love
from her wounded self, it will be about external things and
the love will not last. But if she is in love from her soul
Self, it will be about internal things, and it is very
likely that the love will see her through all the challenges
that come up in relationships.

"Ruby," I asked her, "What do you love about Jim?"

"I've been thinking about that a lot," she answered. "It's
kind of funny some of the things I love about him. I love
his walk and his smell. I love the way his eyes crinkle when
he smiles, and I love his laugh. I love just being next to
him. There is something about his energy - I don't quite
know how to talk about it – that I love being around. I love
his touch. I love his kindness and sensitivity and his deep
caring for people. Even though he would not be considered a
handsome man, I love how he looks. There's something about
his mouth and the look in his eyes that just fills me with
love. And I love the passion he has about both his work and
his hobbies I love his playfulness. We laugh a lot together. "

"How is this different than what you loved about Adam or
Mark?"

"I think that with both Adam and Mark I was pretty much
blown away by their looks – they were both hunks. Both of
them were also very successful and very social. They took me
to nice places and great vacations. Jim is not as
financially successful nor as social, yet I feel much safer
with him. I think that I also feel in love with Adam's power
in the world. He really seemed to have it together and his
sense of power turned me on. But he wasn't always nice to
people, and he wasn't always nice to me."

"So it seems that with Adam and Mark, your wounded self was
in love with their wounded selves – their more superficial
qualities of looks, money and power. But it sounds like with
Jim your essence is in love with his essence. The qualities
you say you are in love with are qualities that won't go
away over time, because they are soul qualities. People can
certainly lose their looks and their money, but it is
unlikely that Jim will lose the qualities that you love in
him, especially if you frequently express your appreciation
for these qualities."

"So I really am in love with Jim! This really is different
than my other relationships. You know, I think I've finally
grown up. The more superficial qualities just don't seem to
be so attractive to me anymore!"

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com