Intimacy, What Is It Really?

Simply put, intimacy is more than sex or making love. It's more
than the physical or even emotional connection you feel with
your partner. Intimacy involves a soul connection between two
people.

While instant chemistry can be exciting and thrilling, the
chemistry that makes marriages work usually grows over time.
This special chemistry between two people involves excellent
communication and self sacrifice more than physical attraction.
It takes trust, patience, and willingness to talk and to listen.


With greater intimacy, married partners can have a more
satisfying and fulfilling romantic life. They can learn what
pleases each other. For example, your wife may not like flowers
all of the time. She may desire a massage, or a well cooked
meal. Or your husband may not want the latest fashionable
sweater. It’s a clean car or your full attention, he desires
most.

Being able to express what you want is important and genuinely
listening to your spouse are key factors in building an
intimate romance. Unfortunately, these skills aren’t fully
developed in most marriages, so as the saying goes: “Married
people can be some of the loneliest people in the world.”

What generally inhibits partners from building deeper
relationships with each other?

Cary Barbor writes, "One partner (often the woman) will fight
to break down defenses and create more intimacy while the other
(often the man) will withdraw and create distance. So the "dance
of intimacy" follows: If the woman gets too close, the man pulls
back. If he moves too far away, she pursues, and so on." --
Finding Real Love - Intimacy and Alienation, Psychology Today
(Jan 2001)

She also comments that we often try to recreate and fulfill our
childhood desires through our marriage partners. We’re attracted
to people because they remind us of our parents (OR what we
wanted our parents to be). When we realize that they are too
much like our mother or our father, we become frustrated,
communication breaks down, and we build self-protecting
“walls”.

So how can you grow in intimacy with your marriage partner?
Here are some keys to unlock the mystery of deeper intimacy.

Determine what you really need out of the relationship. Is
friendship more important than financial stability? Or must the
bills be paid on time even if your spouse doesn’t have much time
with you? Can you sacrifice long conversations for more
affectionate behavior? Or do you need to talk things out no
matter how long it takes? The list can go on.

Determine what your spouse really needs. At first your husband
or wife may be reluctant to share what he or she needs. They
may have never really thought about it in an organized fashion.
Maybe it would help to have him/her write down his/her desires
when he/she is relaxed. Some suggestions: do a really nice deed
for your partner like, drawing a warm bath or cooking a nice
meal. Then ask them to take the time to think about what they
need in the relationship.

Make an effort to change your behavior everyday. If your
partner needs more space, draw back a little. If they need more
of your time, tune out any distractions and pay attention to
your spouse. You may start with fifteen or twenty minutes with
no TV, phone, computer, radio, etc. and then gradually increase
your time to one to two hours of uninterrupted time per day.

Finally, take care of yourself. If you are frazzled, you won’t
be a fun person to be around. Make sure that you have your own
“me” time everyday where you can pray, meditate, and take care
of your personal needs. Whether it’s writing in a journal,
reading a good book, giving yourself a manicure, or just
vegging out, do it. You and your spouse will be happy you did.

About The Author: Keishia Lee-Louis is the Executive Editor of
http://www.Married4Good.com  (November 2005). Her work has
appeared on iVillage.com, BibleResourceCenter.com, and in many
other publications. Currently, she's writing a book on marriage
and relationships which will be published in Spring 2006.